I am having a quiet moment of reflection, looking at my photo from 2019.
At first glance, it looks like a glamour photoshoot.
A woman dressed up, smiling brightly, preparing to launch her second book but nobody knew what had happened just before it was taken.
I had been crying.
Not just feeling a little bit emotional, but crying like I always do when parts of me are fighting other parts of me.
This was my very first official photoshoot for the publication of my second book, The Underbelly.
How Your Past Holds the Keys to Today’s Freedom.
That book was my exploration of the shadowy parts of my past, and the impact those experiences had on me and my children.
To many people, having professional photos taken might seem like a simple thing.
For me, it represented something enormous.
I was choosing to be visible, to stand behind my own voice, stepping into the light, while every survival instinct inside me was screaming to make it go away, to stay safe and stay small, to bin the whole project.
So I cried.
Then I dried my eyes, and I smiled.
Nobody knows the cost of the inner journey more than you, the cost of choosing your own soul path, living life on your terms, stepping away from your old programming.
But did you know that the parts of you causing you the most trouble may also be the parts that have been trying hardest to protect you?
- The procrastination.
- The hiding.
- The inability to receive.
- The anger.
- The habit of making yourself smaller.
- The strange way you sabotage something just when it begins going well.
We judge these parts mercilessly.
What is wrong with me?
Why do I keep doing this?
I should know better by now.
Especially when you have already done years of personal development and you DO know better.
But knowing better and changing a deeply embedded pattern are two different things.
I had parts of myself I truly loathed.
Not disliked.
Loathed.
- I hated my fear.
- I hated my need to please, to be a good girl.
- I hated how small I made myself just to stay safe.
- I hated that no matter how much I achieved, some part of me still felt like an imposter.
- I hated how I sometimes exploded.
- I hated how mean I was to Pete.
For a long time I thought the goal was to get rid of those parts.
Cut them off.
Outgrow them.
Suppress, avoid and bully them.
I come from a world where self denial was the highway to heaven.
Where losing yourself was called holiness, “taking up the cross”.
Where the more you disappeared, the more spiritual you were considered to be.
So self abandonment was not just a habit for me, I was groomed for it, being born inside a deeply religious secular sect in Holland.
I met my husband (Pete) from Tasmania, inside the Sect, and my children were also born and coercive controlled by the same system.
So healing was never going to be a one time epiphany for me (or my children).
You do not undo decades of self abandonment with one breakthrough weekend.
It requires a lifetime of dedication towards reintegration.
Day by day.
Choice by choice.
So this is my daily practice now.
Every day I meet the parts of myself I once could not stand.
I sit with them.
I ask them what they were protecting me from.
I thank them.
And slowly, over years, loathing turned into tenderness.
We all have an inner compassion dial.
Imagine it sits inside your tummy and it has numbers like a clock from 1 to 12. (1 being cold or numbed out and 12 feeling warm and compassionate)
Notice what time it is today on the self compassion dial, when you look at parts of yourself that you dislike or are uncomfortable with.
The beauty is that you can manually change the dial.
Look at it this way: imagine trying to coax a frightened 3 year old out from underneath a bed by standing over her shouting.
“For goodness’ sake, NOT AGAIN! why are you hiding under the bed again?”
She isn’t coming out.
Our hidden parts aren’t so different.
The first thing they need is acknowledgement.
For instance, you might wake up grumpy one morning.
You can say: Oh, there you are again. You are so cute! Thank you for being here.
What are you protecting me from today?
And then feel where he or she sits in your body.
You can say: ‘I see you. I see how hard this has been for you, and thank you for keeping me safe. But sweetheart, we don’t live there anymore. We are operating on a new program now. Do you want to join me?’
Your present life may be safe enough for love, visibility, success, abundance, pleasure and receiving.
But some deeper part of you may still be living according to an old map.
This was one of the biggest lessons of my own journey.
I realised that even after years of study and healing work, there were still blind spots I could not see on my own.
A fish does not know what water looks like.
The fish has lived in water its whole life.
It does not know there is another way of experiencing the world, because water is simply its normal.
We are the same, our beliefs, fears, survival patterns, the way we perceive our loved ones, they are like the water we swim in.
We only see one billionth of reality and I wanted a new, happier, easier, more loving reality for myself.
At age 54, I left the church I had been born into.
I wrote three Memoirs to excavate myself out from under all the memories and trauma imprints.
So at 57 years old, I made a decision.
I did not want more detours.
I wanted to uncover my own blind spots, even the ones I could not see alone.
So I invested in world class coaches, mentors and teachers, people who could see my blind spots.
I committed to deconstruct every part of my life so I could reconstruct it.
I travelled.
Not just across the world.
I travelled inward.
I sat in the soul seat.
I worked privately with coaches and healers.
I attended workshops.
I let the scattered pieces of my own puzzle finally come together.
Today, I continue that journey by pursuing a Doctorate in Natural Medicine, exploring the relationship between the mind, body, emotions, and health.
Because the more I learn, the more I realise how intelligent and miraculous the humans are.
Healing is not about fighting ourselves.
It is about understanding ourselves.
Not long after that photoshoot, I also published Alchemy of Love.
Together with my earlier work, my three books became Amazon Bestsellers.
But the greatest transformation was never becoming an author.
It was becoming someone who could finally stand fully behind her own voice.
Some people travel the world searching for freedom.
I chose to travel inward.
Because what is the point of travelling to beautiful places if you are still trapped by your own thoughts, fears and triggers.
You cannot outrun yourself.
So I stayed.
I simplified.
I stayed in my lane.
I have learned to source the force, rather than forcing the source.
To listen before I push.
To let the integration happen one part at a time.
Maybe your tears are not a sign you are going backwards, they are proof of old programs dissolving to make room for something new.
If this post resonates with you, there are two ways we can walk this together.
If you are ready for private sessions with me and uncover your blindspots, where you are stuck, check the comments or send me a PM.
And if you are ready to go deeper, to sit inside a container built for exactly this kind of integration work, my Miracle Method Immersion is running November 7 to 13.
Seven days incubating a new version of yourself
You do not have to keep protecting yourself from the your best life!
I would love to help you come home to yourself
Grada Robertson, MNM
Master of Natural Medicine & Founder of The Miracle Method
Doctoral Candidate in Natural Medicine (Psychosomatic University / Holographic Manipulation Therapy with Drs. Gabe & Tiffany Roberts)
Grada is a three-time Amazon Bestselling Author of the trilogy: You Are the Miracle, The Underbelly, and Alchemy of Love.
Disclaimer:
Our content is for educational purposes only, based on our personal journey and research. It is not medical advice. We are not medical professionals. Always consult your doctor or healthcare provider for any medical diagnoses or treatment. The information we share is intended for learning and discussion and should not replace professional medical guidance. Any actions you take based on this content are solely your responsibility.